Defensiveness is the number one cause of disconnection relationships do you and your partner ever feel like you guys are getting defensive it's just a cycle that keeps us feeling stuck and unheard so listen up if you wanna and learn how to be defensive so here's examples of defensiveness like you're just taking this the wrong way as usual you're always right stop picking a fight you says your Mattick I am guilty of saying those things to you but you know in homes with critical or perfectionistic parents we learn defensiveness as like a survival strategy like one who we are as a person is criticized as a child review issues that our partner has as like a personal attack rather than an opportunity to go together and I really think that's important Being defensive like disconnected from my partner and increases situation where they can't come to us with issues or concerns and we never want that like we also just feel like we're never heard so that's just reinforcing core beliefs from childhood that were always misunderstood like nobody wants that especially not in a partnership so in successful relationship people know their concerns matter their perspectives are valued and their view point even when we don't agree will be heard this is called openness or the ability to take feedback so Defensiveness let's say you're saying all this is in a big deal openness I understand that was hurtful from my perspective I felt such and such and such defensiveness I am so sick of the way you open it I'm hurting and overwhelmed can we come figure this out together like at the end of the day it's always communication that saves the day so You have a choice be defensive or be open communicate with your partner