My teacher threw a stapler at me on Valentine's Day. So my friend's dad teaches history at our school and I'm in his class. The kid in front of me was one of the guys. During class he yelled, Your daughter and me did some crazy shit in your car. My friend's dad got beet red and threw the shit off his desk. He screamed, What did you say, you little shit? And threw his stapler at the guy in front of me, but he ducked. And it hit me square in the face. So I ended up in the nurse's office and needed two stitches.

Why didn't they just take the stapler and staple it instead of using stitches? You can use staples. They always do that. They even do that. I mean, they do that at the doctor's office.

Good, I'm happy that either of us stapled her at you. Um, that's the host's lawsuit, actually.